Once upon a time, movies were made so that, for two blissful hours, people could forget about how cripplingly boring their lives were. You could wander into a movie theater at any point in the day, pick any film showing, and immediately become engaged in another person’s lusty liaison or action-packed adventure—without actually cheating on your significant other or becoming a loose cannon cop who doesn’t play by the rules! Unfortunately, that movie would end, and you would then forced to realize—painfully—that your life was never actually interesting, and you would return—thoroughly depressed—to your boring house without a single slow-motion fight sequence on the way.
That was your life then. But, never fear! Modern cinema has found a way to prolong the enjoyment of living vicariously through someone else’s adventure by an astounding 300 percent! The solution is simple: instead of wasting valuable time carefully creating original material, production teams will now green-light every single book anyone has ever written so that they can turn it into not one, but TWO terrible films! Now you can enjoy someone else’s interesting experiences not just once or twice, but three times! You never even have to realize you’re not living your own life!
This plan is foolproof! After all, who reads anymore for a purpose other than to fall in love with the main character of the book? Why would anyone keep love confined to dingy white pieces paper when that character can just as easily come to life as an untalented actor who only vaguely resembles your idealized image of him? The possibilities for your love are endless when that character lives and breathes (behind a camera and in front of a green screen thousands of miles away from you)! And don’t forget all that money the production team will make off of you going to see his movie again and again in theaters! Just remember, you get to see him twice as much (for double the cost) when there are two movies for you to enjoy—and you don’t even have to wait for someone to come up with more interesting ideas about him.
As for the classic movies that people used to love? Obsolete! “The Lion King” could never be cool today—after all, Mufasa is a lion, and it’s only okay to have a crush on something that isn’t a member of your species when it was once considered to be an entity of demonic evil. And who even remembers what “The Godfather” is? Muse didn’t have any songs on its soundtrack!
Let’s just hope that all these books don’t start getting boring. I’d hate to end a saga with an intense talking scene instead of an epic vampire battle. After that, the only option left would be to re-write the first novel…